First of all, where does the apostrophe go in “Workers’ Day”, and does it even need one?
Then… how can Paris Hilton say “I don’t eat that” when asked about swine flu in an online video? Is she not tired of looking like the Prototype Dumb Blonde – the one that gives all the other blondes a bad name? If she has so many gazillions of dollars, can’t she afford to appoint someone – similar to a publicist, but someone who reads newspapers other than Variety, or at least watches CNN – that could bring her up to speed on current events that some pernicious American journalist may demand comment on through the limo window? A daily brief would be quick…
“Morning Paris”
“Hiya Liz.”
“How are you this morning?”
“It’s mornin’? Why am I awake?”
“Should we make our meeting later?”
“Nah, ya here now, anna think ahm gonna hafta sleep ladur.”
“Okay… are you ready for our session?”
“Hmm. Musta take notes?”
“No, there is not much… oh, actually, yes… why don’t you write them here… on the back of Joe Biden’s vet’s business card.”
“Who’s Joe Biden?”
“He’s the vice president.”
“Of what?”
“The country.”
“Which country?”
“America.”
“Ah. Cool. Why hava got the vet’s card?”
“No idea. You have many dogs… maybe… and you both know very little about swine flu.”
“Yeah. S’gotta be it… what’s swine flu?”
“It’s a disease. Mexico will shut down parts of its economy for five days because they suspect that more than a 160 people have died because of the flu, and they need to slow down its spread. Non-essential government services…”
“A MES’CAHN disease?”
“No, there is just an outbreak in Mexico.”
“Ah. Cool.”
“Not really. Don’t say EVER that when a journalist asks you ANYTHING.”
“Okay. Cool.”
“You should know a little more. We have had some cases in the U.S. but only one confirmed death, and generally scientists and other clever people think that it will not turn into an epidemic over here.”
“What’s an epidemic?”
“It is when many people fall ill with the same disease in a particular area or place.”
“Ah. Cool. Anythin’ else?”
“Baby steps. Let’s see if you remember this tomorrow, then we can increase the quota of information.”
“Whatsa quoda?”
“Tomorrow… tomorrow…. Bye.”
“Cool. G’night.”
I think a person could probably knock that off in about 20 minutes. Why has Paris not thought of that? Or should I say, why has her publicist not thought of that? How difficult could it be? Even if someone just explained the front page of ONE daily newspaper to her (preferably the NY or LA Times, but anyone might do), she will not be such an embarrassment to the human race. She is walking proof of the nature/nurture argument. Whichever side you take. Neither nature nor nurture has been kind to her brain, clearly. Please, somebody help her. She needs help, and she can pay.
Thirdly, I am very puzzled by the nature of the spam that ends up in my “comments” box. Sometimes it’s just gibberish, and sometimes the messages make the most bizarre kind of sense. Like this one from “Payday Loans” which says:
“I found lots of interesting information on elizabethnoire.wordpress.com. The post was professionally written and I feel like the author has extensive knowledge in the subject. elizabethnoire.wordpress.com keep it that way.”
What IS that? Being an ingénue in the IT department, I have no more than the vaguest notion that spam somehow benefits somebody because of… some reason. Who? And how? What is amazing is how this particular someone tried to hide the fact that s/he is sending spam. Like the message above. Only because it was attached to the post about the daggaboy, it makes no sense whatso-friggen-ever. It COULD have made sense, IF the blog had indeed been a “professional” account of something that I had “extensive knowledge” of. Instead it was simply a meandering observation of the sexual behaviour of male animals in captivity. (Oh, they DO mate.) And if it HAD made sense… then… nothing, I guess. It’s spam, and should not be taken seriously, or personally. I am just… puzzled.
Lastly, I wonder why almost all the famous people featured in the “Take the IQ test” pop-ups (Brad Pitt, Lindsay Lohan, Donald Trump) have IQs of 120, without fail, except Britney Spears. She scores a whopping 105. Can that be right? Isn’t 100 like… a cabbage? And is this fair to single her out in this way? And should she be that.. limited… is it humane to advertise this on the internet? Does she not do enough damage herself? Even Paris Hilton has a higher score than that… 120, like the others.
And that is all for today. I am having a wonderful Workers’ Day (please somebody help me with that apostrophe) and am grateful for the privilege to contemplate the completely frivolous. Sometimes I forget, when things are serious and dark, that a glance at the headlines is an excellent remedy for taking life too seriously.
Now I am going to read some newspapers. Just in case the paparazzi ambush me on my way out of Killarney later on, I simply must have some intelligent and gripping observations about Browse Mole and the five female premiers.
Betty Noire 