Negotiating the afterlife

So Boris sent me this. I thought it was silly, but funny. And safe (er) to distribute ever since Shaikh Dr Tahir ul-Qadri published a fatwa declaring that terrorism is bad and that suicide bombers will go to hell.

(Although apparently there have been quite a few fatwas of similar sentiment published since 9/11, just in not English or online. This will surely make a huge difference, and change everything.)

Al Qaeda on Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return; but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers’ concerns; but, Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway.”

Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

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One thought on “Negotiating the afterlife

  1. Hardspear 16 March 2010 / 08:51

    With South Africa having virtually the most Employee Friendly Labour Legislation in the world, they might have better luck here. A lenient CCMA Commissioner may just grant them what they wish for.

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